The Truth When You Focus on Yourself: Finding Clarity
- Oksana George
- Jun 7
- 8 min read
By Oksana George
Introduction
I didn’t even realize how empty I was until I had nothing left to give. I was running on fumes, mentally, emotionally, physically. One night I was talking to my husband, just feeling overwhelmed and hurt by how people were treating me. And he looked at me and said something that I still think about to this day: “Why do you keep showing up for people who wouldn’t do the same for you?” “Why can’t you just focus on us, and on you?” “Why are you carrying other people’s problems when you’ve got your own?” And honestly? I didn’t know what to say. I sat there quiet because it hit me. He saw it. He saw what I didn’t want to admit.
I had completely drifted from myself. I was showing up for everyone else, worried about how I looked to them, what they thought of me… and meanwhile, I wasn’t showing up for me or for my family. And it was starting to show. I was mentally exhausted. Emotionally, I felt invisible. And spiritually, I felt so far from God, from peace, from who I used to be. I was too busy carrying other people’s pain, trying to be the strong one, hoping that if I helped everyone else, maybe I’d finally feel like I was enough.
But the truth? The truth is, only you can give yourself that kind of validation. And I didn’t know how to do that. I didn’t have the confidence. I was searching for something in other people that I needed to find in myself. And that’s when I realized: I lost touch with the one thing that mattered most, me. And that had to change.
What Focusing on Yourself Really Means
Let me just say this: focusing on yourself isn’t selfish. And it doesn’t mean you’re turning your back on the people you love either. What it does mean is that you’re finally done abandoning yourself. Honestly, I didn’t realize how much of me I was giving away until I felt completely drained, like there was nothing left for me. One day, my husband looked at me and said, “You’re so worried about everyone else that you don’t even have the energy to take care of yourself… or us.” And wow, that hit me hard. Because it was true. I kept pouring into other people’s problems and completely ignoring my own. And the more I did that, the emptier I felt. My energy, my time, my peace, all of it was going to everyone else but me. And that’s when I had to learn to take it all back. Step one? Reclaiming my energy.
And trust me, that wasn’t easy. It meant stopping myself from immediately trying to “fix” things for people. It meant reminding myself: people have to learn to deal with their own stuff. I can love them, I can support them, but I can’t carry it all. That’s not my job. Step two was making actual time for me and my family. Whether it was setting aside an hour to work out, watching a movie with my husband, or just playing with my kids without distractions, I had to stay focused on us. Not everybody else’s chaos. Because let’s be real, their problems weren’t mine to fix. And that’s not being cold. That’s boundaries. And if someone really needs deep help? That’s what therapists and counselors are for. It’s not fair to expect regular people, especially people who are struggling themselves, to carry that kind of weight.
Then came the mental clarity part. That meant unplugging. Shutting off my phone, stepping away from social media, and just being present in my own life. That space? That silence? That’s where I started to actually hear myself again. And the third thing? Letting go of the guilt of saying no. One day, a family member asked me to watch their kids for a few hours, and I had to say no because I hadn’t even had a moment to take care of me that day.
Did I feel bad? Yeah. But should I? No. Because “no” is a full sentence. And sometimes saying no is the most loving thing you can do for yourself. At the end of the day, you have to focus on your little family, on yourself, and stop trying to carry what was never meant for you. That’s what focusing on yourself really means: choosing to fill your cup first, so you’re not running on empty anymore.
“Stop waiting for others to validate you just so you can feel full. Start looking within, because the real validation you need has to come from you.”
The Mental Fog
You ever notice how after you’ve been there for someone, or even just worrying about them, it suddenly feels impossible to take care of your own needs? That’s what I call mental fog. Or as I like to joke… brainfrog (because let’s be real, your thoughts are hopping all over the place, and none of it makes sense). When you carry other people’s stress and problems, your brain doesn’t have the space to show up for you. And honestly? I feel like that’s God’s way of nudging you, like, “Hey, this isn’t your burden to carry.” The truth is, a lot of us help others because we want to be kind, or maybe even because we’re secretly looking for validation.
But every time you do that while putting yourself last, you’re just pushing your own needs deeper down. Here’s an example. A friend of mine was going through a messy breakup. I totally got where she was coming from, so of course I wanted to help. I listened, gave advice, checked in constantly. But she didn’t really take the advice… and eventually went right back to the same toxic situation. Meanwhile, I was mentally drained, emotionally tired, and just wanted to sleep it all off. That’s not care. That’s burnout. And I’ve done that a lot, bent over backwards trying to be there for people, but in the end, it left me empty.
That’s not healthy. That’s not peace. That’s self-neglect. People-pleasing, overthinking, always being “on call” for others, it clutters your mind so badly, you can’t even hear yourself think. And I’m not here to shame anyone, I’ve been there so many times. But what I’ve learned is this: it’s okay to stop. It’s okay to not always be the fixer. It’s okay to focus on you. Because when your mind is clear, your peace comes back. And nothing’s more powerful than that.
The Clarity That Comes From Re-centering
Everything started to shift when I finally stopped looking for peace in other people and turned inward. It didn’t happen overnight. It was hard, uncomfortable even.. but it was necessary. The first real shift for me? Boundaries. I used to feel like I had to show up for everyone. But the truth is, I was pouring from an empty cup, over and over again. I had to start by giving myself permission to protect my space. So now if someone comes to me with a lot on their heart, and I don’t have the emotional space to carry it, I say something like, “I’m here to listen, but I may not have the capacity to give advice right now. I hope that’s okay.” And guess what?
Most people just need someone to listen. But then there are the harder ones… like when someone says, “I can’t pay rent, I don’t know what to do. Can you help me out?” And trust me, I’ve been there. My heart wants to help, but my reality doesn’t allow it. So now I say: “I wish I could help financially, but I can’t. What I can do is send you some resources that might point you in the right direction.” That’s a soft boundary, but still a strong one. You’re not being mean, you’re protecting your own peace while still being supportive in the ways you actually can be.
Because here’s the truth: these days, most of us are trying to stay afloat. You’re allowed to take care of your own family first. You’re allowed to say no without feeling guilty. Even when someone wants you to take sides in their drama or fight battles that don’t belong to you, it’s okay to say: “I can’t get involved. I need to protect my own peace.” That doesn’t make you selfish. That makes you wise. At first, setting boundaries will feel heavy. It’ll feel awkward. You’ll second-guess yourself. But the more you practice it, the more you’ll feel that fog lift. The more clear your mind becomes. You’ll start recognizing what’s yours to carry, and what’s not. And that kind of clarity? That’s where healing begins.
What You’ll Lose vs. What You’ll Gain
I’ve lost a lot of people just from saying no. Whether I couldn’t help, didn’t have the energy, or simply didn’t want to, some people just couldn’t handle that. And yeah, it stung at first. But you know what I gained? Me. I got my peace back. My mind got clearer. I stopped feeling like I was constantly on edge or responsible for everybody else’s problems. I realized I’d rather lose someone who never truly respected my boundaries than keep shrinking myself to keep the peace. It wasn’t easy at first.
Setting boundaries felt uncomfortable. I’d say no and feel guilty. But the more I did it, the more I realized how free I felt. Every time I said no, I got a little more of me back. And let’s be real, I’m not a therapist. I don’t have all the answers, and sometimes trying to fix other people’s messes can do more harm than good. I don’t want that responsibility on me. I’m not qualified for that. Now that I’ve stopped letting distractions pull me in every direction, I’ve been able to focus more on my little family. On what actually matters. And honestly? I wouldn’t trade that peace for anything.
Tips That Actually Help
I could give you a million tips, but one that’s really helped me personally? Make a schedule. Like seriously, keep yourself busy. Busy enough that you don’t have time to be all up in everyone else’s problems because you’re focused on showing up for you first. Another thing? Plan ahead. If a friend wants to hang out, pick a day and time that works for both of you, and keep it short and sweet. Two hours is usually plenty. Spend a whole day together and y’all might start getting on each other’s nerves.
I know I do. So yeah, plan it out and give yourself room to breathe. Also, make space for self-care days with your little family. For me, that looks like getting in a workout, writing my blog, making some TikToks, and just enjoying time with my kids and my husband. It’s all stuff that fills me up. Whatever it is for you: journaling, going to therapy, walking outside, sitting in silence, do it. Do it because you deserve to feel good too. There’s so many healthy ways to take care of your mind, body, and spirit. Start small, but start. I say all of this with love.
To Anyone Who Feels Guilty for Putting Themselves First
Let me just say this: you don’t need to feel bad for taking care of you. Seriously. You matter, your mental health matters, your spiritual peace matters, all of it. If you’re constantly worried about what everyone else is doing, or always stressing over other people’s problems, it’s only going to drain you. I know, because I’ve been there. And let me tell you, the moment you finally choose yourself? That’s when real peace starts to find you. So stop feeling guilty. You’re not wrong for protecting your energy. You’re healing, and that’s more than okay.
The Ongoing Journey
I’m still learning. Still figuring things out. But for the first time in what feels like forever, my mind feels lighter, clearer. It hasn’t been easy, but taking care of myself has been the best decision I’ve made. And honestly? I want that for you too. Because you matter. And if anyone tries to make you feel bad for choosing yourself… tell them to go kick rocks. Focusing on me never meant I stopped loving others, it just meant I finally made room to love me too. If you would like to tell me your personal experience? Hit that button down below! And it will take you to the contact page.
Much love- Oksana <3
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