I Was the Red Flag Too

By Oksana George 05/29/2025

Photo By: Patrick Burns

Introduction

Everybody’s quick to talk about spotting red flags in other people — but at some point, I had to stop and ask myself: what if I was the red flag too? It wasn’t easy to admit. In fact, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to face. But the truth is, we all have moments, patterns, or reactions that could be toxic — even if we don’t mean to be.

The real question is: do we recognize them? Or are we too busy blaming others to look in the mirror? This blog isn’t about shaming anyone — not even myself. It’s about being real. I’m going to share how I started to notice my own red flags and what I’m doing to grow from them. My hope is that it helps you start checking in with your own actions too, with compassion and honesty. Growth starts with self-awareness — and girl, I’ve been learning the hard way.

The Moment I Realized I Was the Red Flag Too

There were a few moments in my life where I had to stop and ask myself, “What the hell am I doing wrong?” At first, I was convinced — Nah, they’re the toxic one. Not me. But over time, I had to face the truth: maybe I was the toxic one too. There was a point in my life where I was just… miserable. Full of hurt, full of pain, full of anger I didn’t know what to do with. I’d ask myself over and over, “Why am I being treated like this? What did I do to deserve this? Why is this person so mean to me?”

I couldn’t understand it. I truly believed I was doing nothing wrong. But I was wrong. I was doing something — I was letting my misery bleed into every part of my life. When you’re hurting on the inside, that energy doesn’t just sit still. It leaks out. It shows up in your words, your actions, your tone, your attitude. Even when you think you’re hiding it — you’re not. Here’s the thing I’ve learned: energy doesn’t lie. When you walk into a room with a bad attitude, people feel it. When you carry pain and anger you haven’t dealt with, it pours out in ways you don’t always notice. And eventually, it explodes — on you and on everyone around you.

There was a time I disliked someone for no real reason. I told myself it was because of how they acted, talked, dressed — whatever. But deep down? I was jealous. My ego was loud, and my self-love was low. I didn’t hate them because of who they were — I hated them because they had something I didn’t: peace, confidence, joy. And what did I do with that? I tried to dim their light. I tried to be like them, copy them, one-up them — anything but face the real issue: me. That’s toxic. Looking back, I can admit it now. Eventually, they called me out. They said, “You have a lot of growing to do.” And honestly? They were right. Every time I tried to be close to them, it ended in drama or distance. And finally, they chose peace and walked away from me — and I don’t blame them.

The Red Flags

Alright, let’s get real for a second. This might be uncomfortable, but it’s necessary. I’m not here to call anyone out — I’m here to help you look inward. Because truth is, sometimes we’re so busy pointing fingers that we forget to look in the mirror. So ask yourself as you read this: Do I do this? And if you do — it’s okay. Awareness is the first step toward healing, and we’re in this together.

1. Lack of Support Let’s start with this one. If you’re not clapping for the people you say you care about… why? When someone you love accomplishes something, and your first reaction is silence, bitterness, or brushing it off — that might be jealousy.

And yep, that’s a red flag.

2. Constant Criticism or Belittling If you find yourself picking people apart, always pointing out what they did wrong, or making little jabs just to feel better about yourself — that’s not “keeping it real,” that’s tearing people down. I’ve done it. And it’s a red flag.

3. Not Respecting Boundaries If someone sets a boundary and it pisses you off — that’s a sign. Like if they say they’re busy, or they need space, and that makes you feel rejected or angry? That’s not on them. That’s something inside you that needs attention. That reaction? Another red flag.

4. Unresolved Conflict And here’s a big one — not knowing how to move forward after a disagreement. If every little argument turns into a war, or you never want to talk things out, or you always have to “win” — that’s a sign of deeper issues. Not being able to agree to disagree, or let things go, will kill any connection.

These are just a few things I’ve had to call out in myself. It’s not about being perfect — it’s about being aware. We all have stuff to work on. But the more honest we are, the more we can grow. You’re not alone in this. We’re all trying to be better. Keep going.

Healing from Being the Red Flag

Let’s be real — one of the hardest pills to swallow when you’re trying to heal is hearing the truth from someone who finally walks away and tells you, “You’re the toxic one.” That sh*t stings. Especially when you thought you were trying. And I know if you’ve heard those words before, it probably made you feel angry, hurt, confused — maybe all of the above. And listen, your feelings? They’re valid. But when someone stops dealing with your mess and sets that boundary, it hits you in a place you didn’t expect — because deep down, you probably were trying to be a good person.

You just didn’t realize how much hurt you were carrying around and how it was spilling onto other people. That doesn’t make it okay — but it’s the truth. Now here’s the part nobody likes to talk about: healing starts with owning your shit. Like really looking in the mirror and saying, “Damn… I was part of the problem.” That’s not easy — but if you’re here reading this, then I’m proud of you already. Because that means you care. You’re showing up for yourself. That’s big. So let me tell you how it started for me. It was when someone I cared about told me I was the toxic one. And honestly? That shook me. I wanted to deny it, fight back, defend myself… but deep down, I knew.

I really did. I sat with it. I replayed the arguments, the jealous thoughts, the ugly feelings I’d had. I didn’t like how I was acting, and I sure as hell didn’t like how I felt inside. I was miserable. I was constantly comparing myself, judging others, trying to control everything because I didn’t feel in control of my own life. I let myself get so lost that the only way I felt better was by tearing other people down. That was my low point — and my wake-up call. I remember asking myself, “Oksana, why are you so jealous? Why do you care this much about what someone else is doing?” The truth? Because they had peace. They had confidence. They had what I wanted. And I didn’t know how to get it for myself… so I hated them for having it.

That’s when I knew I had to change. I started going to therapy. I told my therapist everything — all the ugly parts of me I didn’t want to admit out loud. She told me that what I was doing — being honest — was the first step to healing. And honestly, that made me feel seen. I had to stop focusing on everybody else and start looking at me. I was so busy watching someone else’s life that I wasn’t showing up for my own. If you want to be less miserable? Start by staying in your own lane.

Clap for people, sure — but don’t forget to water your own grass too. I didn’t. I was waking up every day mad at the world, setting the tone before my feet even hit the ground. I had to stop doing that. I had to wake up and choose better. And let me be clear — this wasn’t an overnight change. I had my moments. I still do. But I started checking myself. When I slipped up, I’d ask, “Okay, what could I have done differently?” Then I’d make that promise to do better next time. That’s growth. That’s healing.

It’s not about being perfect — it’s about being accountable. So if you’re on this journey too? Stay focused on your life, your goals, your healing. And if you’ve got a family? Love on them too. Because when you stop comparing and start doing you — that’s where the real healing begins. That’s how it started for me. And I promise — it can start for you too.

How I Started Showing Up as a Better Version of Me

I’ve got a lot of things I could say to anyone who’s been where I’ve been — and honestly, I wish someone had said these things to me when I was in that place. So here it is: one of the biggest steps I took toward not being toxic anymore was asking for help. I started going to therapy. That was huge for me. Just admitting I needed someone to help me sort through the mess in my head and heart was already a big deal. I also had to get really intentional about focusing on myself and my family. I started setting little goals every day — nothing wild — just small tasks to keep me moving and keep those dark, negative thoughts from taking over.

I learned that staying busy in a healthy way was actually a form of self-care for me. But I also made space to sit with my emotions when I needed to. I had to learn how to feel things without letting them completely wreck me. Another big shift? I stopped trauma-dumping on people. I used to run to everyone about my problems, but honestly… they didn’t know the full story. No one ever does. And most of the time, their advice would just make me feel worse. So I took a step back. I started going inward instead of always going outward. I got back into things that made me feel good — like working out. Moving my body helped me get out of my head. I also started journaling again.

Writing helped me track my emotions and actually gave me something real to bring into therapy. It made everything feel a little more manageable. So if you’re wondering where to start, here are the three biggest things that helped me:

1. Setting small daily goals — to stay grounded and keep the negativity from taking over.

   
   

2. Doing things that made me feel good — things that kept me busy, but also lit me up.

3. Therapy — asking for help isn’t weak, it’s wise.

And the biggest thing of all? I started writing down how I felt. That’s what truly helped me work through the mean, angry thoughts and start showing up as a better version of me. Not perfect — just better. And honestly? That’s enough.

How Healing Changed My Relationships

Once I really started healing, I noticed a big shift — not just in me, but in how the people around me responded to me. My husband and my friends weren’t walking on eggshells anymore. They could actually talk to me without feeling like they had to tiptoe. And that? That’s real growth. People just seemed more relaxed around me — like they wanted to be near me, to open up to me. Even my dogs started acting different around me, more calm and happy. And my kids? They finally started expressing themselves more.

I was really listening, and they could feel that. I also started setting healthy boundaries — something I used to suck at. And the best part? I actually respected other people’s boundaries too, without feeling rejected or pissed off. I understood that their “no” wasn’t a personal attack. Now, here’s the tough part… healing meant I had to let go of some people I thought would be in my life forever. But looking back, it makes sense.

You attract what you are, and when I was at my lowest, I attracted people who were also struggling. Some of those relationships weren’t built on anything healthy — just shared pain. And as I started growing and changing, those connections started fading. I didn’t fit in that space anymore — because I wasn’t that version of me anymore. And while it was hard to say goodbye, I’m proud of the version of me I’m becoming. Because now, the relationships I have are real. They’re peaceful, respectful, and rooted in love — not chaos.

The Final Truth

If you’ve read this far, I want to say thank you — and I’m proud of you. Seriously. It takes guts to even consider the possibility that you might’ve been the red flag in someone else’s story. But the truth is, we’ve all had moments where we weren’t the best version of ourselves. I used to carry so much guilt and shame for how I treated people when I was in a dark place, but I’ve learned something important — healing isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being aware.

Owning your shit. Making the decision every day to be a little bit better than you were yesterday. If you’re willing to look in the mirror and admit, “Yeah, I was part of the problem,” then guess what? You’re already ahead of where you were. That’s the beginning of real growth. So no, I’m not proud of the person I used to be.

But I am proud of the woman I’ve become because I chose to do the work. And you can too. Healing is messy, but it’s also beautiful. You just have to keep going. Because the version of you that’s on the other side of all this? She’s worth fighting for.

And as always thank you again for reading love Oksana If you want to share your story hit that button down below and it will take you to the contact page!

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